My next post will be some incontinence pro tips:
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I was recently asked by a friend of mine how it felt to be my age(32) and be forced to wear a diaper every moment of the day because I cant control when my bladder chooses to release urine or when I have a bowel movement. She didnt ask it to be mean. It was just a question out of curiosity I guess its just not that common to be me. Most individuals who wear diapers are either babies/toddlers or the elderly and woman are overwhelmingly affected. I guess that is the first thing that came to mind for me. It is emasculating. In a society wear maleness is about being manly and macho and aggressive I am a passive male who had to wear a diaper...something commonly associated with dependency and an infantile state. Being incontinent is hard all in itself. It is something so many folks take for granted. Continence. The ability to know when you have to pee or poop and be able to make it to the toilet on time. No one can remember back to the days when they were getting through toddlerhood and they officially graduate to "big boy underwear" after not having peed or pooped in their diaper or pull up for a period of time. They might have the occasional bed wetting accident but they reached a point where they are continent during the day..that day of graduating so to speak is a big day for both parents and child but you eventually forget about it and most people dont have to worry about peeing or pooping their pants or a diaper every again. Even in old age, most people maintain their continence. Of course a few people can tell you a story about the time they drank to much and wet the bed or peed their pants or got a sudden attack of diarrhea but most people never give it another thought. You will never no what its like, what it emotionally feels like, what it physically feels like and what it smells like to upwards of 20 times find your self, with out warning, peeing in a diaper or having a solid bowel movement out of no where in the middle of doing anything and everything, in your alone time and with people are around.
Every day you get up and pull our pants and undies down and either stand up or sit down and pee. You will do the same thing several times through out the day. you will get that uncomfortable feeling and know you need to take care of business and you do. Also on a regular basis unless you are irregular, you do the same thing when you need to have a bowel movement. I am a man yet multiple times a day I pee my self and no one is the wiser but its still embarrassing because even though I cant control it, its still not socially acceptable to be incontinent and or have to wear diapers. I think thats why society pity's the few who find them selves in that infantile state, several times a day if its severe/profound like mine is. Society does so because we equate and associate diapers and lack of control of our bladder and bowels as infantile. We even tell our kids when we are potty training them that big boys and big girls use the potty and babies wear diapers. You can say I have had the added benefit of being born with my bladder and bowel incontinence. Why is that you ask? Because I have had 32 years to get used to the idea that I have to wear diapers because I have no control over when I pee or poop. First few years you are none the wiser. No one gives a darn if you wet or soil a diaper. Some parents even find it cute making cutesy comments about being diapered or having wet or soiled the diaper. We even make a point of taking pictures of our diapered babies waddling around showing off their diapered behinds. Eventually however the reality of your situation hits when you realize that no one else your age is still wearing diapers and that first time when you are five years old and you poop in your diaper at school in the middle of pe and you felt like you were going to die or how the next day a kid pulled your pants down in the hall way exposing our shameful and dirty secret the every one in the hall way. Or the time, living in a foster home now, your foster parent not seeing any sense in giving you privacy, changes your soiled diapers on the floor, in front of the other kids. Every day you struggle because you want so badly for other kids to like you and to not tease you but every day is the same. Every day you are stuck playing by your self or if you are lucky kids a lot littler than you...babies and toddlers...the ones that dont care that you are in a diaper like them that you pee and poop in. I had to make it through foster care like this and it was hard. every day things were always different for me. I remember swimming being especially tough. I never had a swim diaper so if I got to swim at all I wore a regular diaper which swelled up and second hand swim drunks that were always too small and made it painfully obvious I was wearing a diaper which would quickly swell up. I always called the walk to the shower area the waddle of shame because I waddled all the way there. I remember being at a rare birthday party because no one ever invited me and after making a mess of my self with cake because I was still having issues with fine and gross motor skills and being teased about that, it was time to wait your turn to pin the tail on the donkey. I ended up pooping in my diaper and I was just to mortified and ashamed to move so I just stood there till one of the other kids noticed the smell and eventually figured out it was me and not the hosts two year old brother who was also waiting his turn. Kids mom walks over and first checks his diaper and not finding anything she walks straight over to me and in front of every one there she pulls back the back of my pants and my diaper makes a face and says she cant wait till she no longer has to deal with poopy diapers any more. She takes me by the hand like a toddler and walks me over to the side of the room and grabs a diaper out of my "diaper bag" my wipes and some powder and lays me down right there and changes my diaper. This is how I grew up. Growing up I hated it. There were some days where I wanted to die. I was not only abused in every way imaginable in foster care but I had to deal with all the other extra stuff...the lack of incontinence...this thing every one takes for granted. Of course every one grows up and I was no different Honestly it was not till about 5 or 6 years ago that I began to come to grips with being incontinent and having to wear diapers. with the knowledge that I can be out and about at any place and at any time I can, with out warning, have my bladder empty or have a bowel movement. Its a wierd process that I am not even going to try and explain. As a kid I felt like a baby all the time and for more reasons than just the diapers and incontinence. Now I am an adult with thick skin. I am still human. I still get embarrassed. I still hear the occasional question from a kid to their parent about why I was wearing a diaper, as I am riding the bus, dead tired and not realize that the whole trip my shirt choice that day had left me vulnerable to exposing my diaper...boy...as a kid I was crazy about making sure I did everything I could to hide that I had to wear diapers...Now I have gotten to the point where I just do my best to live my life like any one else and enjoy it and life is good. I do have to do things a little differently. I always have extra diapers in a bag along with wipes just in case. I always know where the bathrooms are at just in case I have a bowel movement because while I have thick skin, I still dont want to deal with all the stares, and whispers and questions, and snickers from people or even the looks of "oh I am so sorry for you because you wear diapers" and "you must feel like a total baby all the time" and I pause my thoughts in my head for a few moments and i say not as much as I used to...I have learned to make the best of it... |
AuthorMy name is Kevin Cline (Isabella Parker Cline). I'm a 32 year old dad and Trans girl. I am also happily married. I have dreams and aspirations and lead a very active life. I thoroughly enjoy being a dad and I enjoy my life and yet I have a problem that affects millions of people but no one wants to talk about: urinary or bowel incontinence. Archives
January 2016
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